I DARED TO CALL HIM FATHER
Chapter 6. Learning to Find His Presence
Several surprises were waiting for me over the next several days, following my threefold encounters.
For one thing, I found I was experiencing dreams or visions, but quite unlike the two dreams that had started this whole incredible adventure. In fact my first experience left me shaken. 1 was resting in bed one afternoon thinking of my Lord when suddenly I felt as ifI were floating right out my window. I felt sure I was not asleep and found myself passing right through the window, and Icaught a glimpse of the earth below. I became so frightened that I cried out in fear, and suddenly I found myself'back in bed. I lay there slighty dazed, breathing shallowiy, feeling a tingling in my legs as if they had been asleep, and then the blood was rushing back
"What is it, Lord?" 'I asked. And then Irealized that He had siven me a special experience. " "pm so sorry, Lord," I apologized, 'but You have picked up a coward.
Late that night it happened again. Only this time I talked to God through the experience anc told Him Iwasn't afraid. As I slipped back through my window I could only think I had beer "floating" in a spiritual way."But what is Your reason, my Lord?"I asked
Turning to the Bible I searched His Word for something of this, for I began to fear that it might be something not of the Lord.
I sighed in relief when I read in the Acts of the Apostles (8:39) when the Spirit of the Lord suddenly whisked Philip away to the distant city of Azotus after he had baptized the Ethniopian eunuch.
Then I was given further confirmation when I read Paul's second letter to the Christians at Corinth. In chapter 12,in speakings of visions and revelations from the Lord, he wrote of being 'caught up into the third heaven." He felt that only God knew whether or not it was an actual Physical experience, and I felt the same about mine. As Paul added. "This man heard words that cannot be translated into human speech."
I heard words, too, that I cannot translate but I shall never forget the scenes. During one such experience I saw a steeple soaring into heaven; suddenly before me were hundreds of churches, new ones, old ones, churches with different architectural styles, and then a beautiful gold church. Again the scene shifted and I saw downtown areas of cities rolling before me, modern centers and old-fashioned village squares. It was all so clear; I could discern the skyscrapers clock towers and quaint ornate buildings.
Then my heart shook as I saw a man ridine a red horse his rieht hand wieldine a sword; he galloped about the earth under cloud masses. Sometimes he rose until his head touched the clouds, and sometimes his steed's flashin g hooves scraped the earth.
I couldn't get over the feeling that these must have been given to me for a particular, still un known, reason.
I also found as I read the Scriptures that it was an experience completely unlike any other time I had spent with the Bible. Something happened to me as I went through the book;instead of reading the Bible, I found myself living it. It was as if l stepped through its pages into that ancient world of Palestine when Jesus Christ walked the stony roads of Galilee. I watched as He preached and taught, as He lived out His message in everyday situations, as He displayed the power of the Spirit and finally as He went to the cross and passed victoriously through the experience of death.
I also discovered to my surprise that the effect of Bible reading was beginning to be felt by others. This was brought home KC me one morning when my maids wereg preparing my toilette. Nurjan was arranging the silver combs and brushes on atray when she accidentally spilled the whole thing , There was a great clatter. She stiftened, her eyes wide; I knew she was expecting my usual onslaught. And indeed I was about to scold her when I caught myself. Instead, I found my self saying, "Don't worry, Nur-jan. They didn't break."
Then there was a peculiar boldness that began to take shape in my life. Up until then Ihad been afraid to let anyone know of my interest in Christ. For one thing, I dreaded the thought of people making jokes about the 'sweeper Begum. Of more concern Iwas afraid my family would ostracize me; Mahmud's father might even try to take him away, I was even fearful lest some fan atic take to heart the injunction: he who falls away from his faith must die.
So I was really not anxious to be seen at the Mitchells. The group of women who came out of David and Synnøve's house that first night still gave me concer. My own servants certainly kew that something unusual was happening to me. When I put all this together I was living in a state of constant uneasiness, not knowing when the pressure against me would begin.
But after my three encounters with God, I found myself making a surprising admission to myselfone day. As far as I wast concerned, ○ decision to become a Christian was now public in- formation. As the Bible says, I was confessing Jesus with my lips." "Well," I said to myself as I stood at my bedroom window one day, " we'll iust let the resuits fall where they may:"
I didn't expect results quite so quickly, Soon after Christmas, 1966, a servant came to me with her eyebrows arched, "Mrs. Mitchellis here to see you, Begum Sahib," she said
"Oh?" I said, trying to sound casual, show her in." My heart pounded as I walked to the door to meet my guest. I am so honored to have you visit," I said, making sure that the maid, hover- ing in the background, heard me Synnøve came to invite me to dinner. "There will be a few others there, people we are sure you would like to meet," she said.
Others? I felt the old wall rise within me. Synnøve must have caught the hesitant look in my eyes for she sought to reassure me. "Most of them are Christians," she said. Some are English, some Americans. Would you come?" her eyes pleaded hopefully And of course -with more enthusiasm than I felt I said that I would be delighted.
I wondered why many Christians were so often shy! I had been in contact with Christians before, usually at state dinner parties I had hosted as wife of a government official. The dinners were formal events, served by uniformed servants, amidst Belgian lace and with centerpieces of fresh flowers; lengthy affairs, with numerous courses, each served separately on its own china There were many Christians of different nationalities among the guests, but not one of them ever mentioned his faith, even when it would have been a natural part of the conversation. The people Id meet at the Mitchells, I felt, would not be so backward.
The next day I drove the now-familiar route to the Mitchells' house. David and Svnnøve geeted me warmly and introduced me to their friends. I wonder how I would have felt if rd known at the time how large a role some of these people were going to play in my life.
The first couple were Ken and Marie Old. Ken was an Englishman whose blue eyes twinkled humorously behind thick glasses. He was a civil engineer who wore an air of informality as eas ily as he wore his rumpled clothes. His wife, Marie, was an A merican nurse with a practical air offset by a beautiful smile. The others were warm and friendly people, too
And then to my horror I found myself the center of attention. Everyone was eager to hear about my experiences. What I expected to be a quiet dinner turned out to be a question ang answer period. The dining room was still- even the several children sat quietly- as I told about my dreams, and about my separate meetin gs with the three personalities of God. At the end of dinner David complimented his wife on the meal but said he felt that the spiritual nourishment of my story was even richer.
"I agree," said Ken Old. T've seen you before, you know, I used to live in Wah. I would pass your garden in the early morning and a dmire your flowers. Sometimes you were in the garden but Imust say you don't look like the same woman." 1 felt sure I knew what he meant. The Bilquis Sheilkh of a few months ago had been an unsmiling person. "You are like a child," Ken went on to say,'who has suddenly been given a gift In your face I se an incredible wonder at that gift. You treasure it more than anything you have ever possessed."
I was going to like this man.
I had enjoyable conversations with the others, and I realized that I had been right. These Christians were very different from Christians I had met at other dinner parties. Before the even- ing was over, each person had told a little about what the Lord was doing in his life. David was right. The meal was excellent, but the true feeding came from the Presence in that little house I had never known anything similar, and I found myself wishing I could get this same feeding regularly,
Which is why, as I was about to leave, the comment from Ken struck me with such impact Ken and Marie came up and took my han d. "You'l need some regular Christian fellowship now Bilquis," said Ken. 'will you come to our house on Sunday evenings?"
"Could you?" asked Marie hopefully.
And that is how I began regular meetings with other Christians. Sunday evenings we met at the Olds' house, a brick dwelling whose living room could barely hold the dozen people who crowded in. Only two were Pakistanis, the rest were Americans and Enelishmen.I met new people, too, such as Dr. and Mrs. Christy. This wiry, energetic-looking American doctor was an eye specialist and his wife a nurse. Both were on the local mission hospital staff. At the meetings we sang, read the Bible and prayed for each others' needs. It quickly became the high point of my week.
Then one Sunday I didn't particularly feel like going, So I rang up the Olds and gave some excuse, It seemed a little thing, but almost instantly I began to feel uneasy. What was it? I walked through the house restlessly, checkin g on the servants' work. Everything was in order, yet every thing seemed out of order.
Then I went to my own room and knelt down to pray. After a while Mahmud crept in, so quietly that I didn't know he was there until I felt his little s soft hand in mind. "Mum, are you all right? he asked. "You look funny 'I smiled and assured him that, yes, ,I was allright "Wellyou keep walking around looking, As ifyoud lost something.
Then he was gone, skipping out the door and down the hall. I looked as if I had lost some- thing?l Mahmud was right. And I knew right then what it was Ihad lost. T'd lost the sense of God's glory. It was gonel Why? Did it have something to do with my not going to that meeting at the Olds? With my not having fellowship when I needed it.
With a sense of urgency I phoned Ken and said that rd'be there after all.
What a diference. Immediately I felt, actually felt, the return of warmth to my soul. I did go to the meeting, as I promised. Nothing unusual took place there, yet again ] knew I was walking in His glory. Ken had apparently been right I needed fellowship T had learned my lesson I deter mined from then on to attend regularly unless Jesus Himself told me not to go.
As I drew a little closer to God, here a step, there a step, I found myself hungering even more for His word through the Bible. Everyday, as soon as I arose I would begin reading it witha never-failing sense of nowness. The Bible became alive to me, illuminating my day, shedding its light on every step I would take. It was, in fact, my lovely perfume. But here too I found a strange thing, One day Mahmud and I were to go to see his mother for the day, I was late getting to bed the night before and really didn't feel like getting up at dawn to have an hour with the Bible, so I told Raisham to wake me with my tea just before we were supposed to set off.
I didn't sleep at all well that night. I tossed and twisted and had bad dreams. When Raisham came in, I was exhausted. And I noticed that the entire day didn't go right
Strange! What was the Lord saying to me? That He expected me to read the Bible every day?
That was the second time when I seemed to be stepping out of the glory of the Lord's Presence.
But the experience, nonetheless, left me with a strange sense of excitement . For I had the feel- ing that I was sitting on an important truth without realizing it. There were times when Iwasin the Presence and experienced that deep sense of joy and peace, and there were times when I lost the sense of His Presence.
What was the key? What could I do to stay close to Him?
I thought back over the times when He had seemed unusually close, way back to my two dreams and to the afternoon whenI sensed the exquisite fragrance in my winter garden.I thought about the first time when I had gone to the Mitchells and about the later times whenI had read my Bible regularly, and gone to the Sunday meetings at the Olds. Almost always thesé were times when I knew the Lord was with me
And I thought about opposite times too, moments when ] knew that I had lost this sense of His nearness. How did the Bible put it? "And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God" (Ephesians 4:30 KV). Is that what happened when I scolded the servants? Or when I failed to nourish my spirit with regular Bible reading? Or when I just didn't go to the Olds?
Part of the key to staying in His company was obedience. When lobeyed, then I was allowed to remain in His Presence I eot out my Bible and searched in Tohn until I found the verse where Tesus says:
When a man loves me, he follows my teaching Then my Father willove him, and we will come to that man and make our home within him
John 14:23
That was the Bible's way of expressing what I was trying to say. To stay in the glory, That was what I was trying to do!
And the key was obedience. "Oh, Father," I prayed, 'I want to be Your servant, just as it says in the Bible. I will obey You. Ive always thought it a sacrifice to give up my own will. But it's no sac rifice because it keeps me close to You. How could Your Presence be a sacrifice!"
I had never gotten used to those times when the Lord seemed to speak so directly to my mind, as I am convinced He did right then. Who else 'but the Lord would have asked me to forgive my husband! Love your former husband, Bilquis. Forgive him.
For a moment I sat in shock. Feeling His love for people in general was one thing, but to love this man who had hurt me so much?
"Father, I just can't do it. I don't want to bless Khalid or forgive him."I recalled how once Ihad childishly even asked the Lord not ever to convert my husband because then he would have the same joy that I had. And now God was asking me to love this same man? I could feel anger rising within me as I thought of Khalid, and quickly put him out of my mind. "Maybe I could just forgel him, Lord. Wouldn't that be enough?"
Was it my imagination or did the glow of the Lord's Presence seem to cool? "I can't forgive my husband, Lord. I have no capacity to do so.'"
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Mathew 11:30)
"Lord, I can't forgive him!" I cried. Then I listed allthe terrible things he had done to me. AsI did, other wounds surfaced, hurts that I had pushed into the back of my mind as too humilating to think about. Hate welled within me and now I felt totally separated from God. Frightened,] cried out like a lost child.
And quicky, miraculously, He was there, with me in my room. Flinging myself at His feet, I confessed my hate and my inability to forgive
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Slowiy, deliberately, I swung my terrible burden over to Him. I let go of my resentment, my hurt and the festering outrage, placing it all in His hands. Suddenly I sensed a light rising within me, like the glow of dawn. Breathing freely, I hurried to my dresser and took out the silver framed picture and looked down at Khalid's face. Iprayed: "O Father, take away my resentment and fill me with Your love for Khalid in the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ"
I stood there for a long time, looking at the picture. Slowly the negative feeling within mé began to fade. In its place came an unexpected love, a sense of caring for the man in the photo. couldn't believe it. Iwass actually wishing my former husband well.
"Oh, bless him, Lord, give him joy, let him be happy in his new life."
As I willed this, a dark cloud lifted from me. A weight was removed from my soul. I felt peace ful, relaxed.
Once again I found myself living in His glory.
And once again I found myself wantin g never to leave His com pany. As a reminder to myself of this desire, late as it was, I went to the dressing room and found some henna dye. With it I drew a large cross on both hands to remind me always.
Never, if I had anything to say about it, would I again deliberately step away from His company. It would take me a long time, I was sure, to learn the skill of living in the glow of His Presence but it was a training time I welcomed with immense excitement.
And then one night I had a terrifying experience. I did not know I would be hearing from an other side.
